hot mess express

Five words: I am a hot mess. Like, super-hot mess. A mess so hot, okay, I’ll stop as you probably get the point. I’m not quite sure how to unhot mess myself. I think I have it all figured out and then I’m back to creating untrue stories in my head – a loco pilot of the hot mess express.

My mom has often told me that we’re not given more in life than we can handle. I don’t take that in a religious sense, but more in the sense of energy. It’s like a boomerang made up of interlaced thoughts and emotions that we toss out to the Universe and then like a boomerang does… it comes right back.

For me, I’m chucking a big, hot mess boomerang and getting back a big, hot mess.

What does this mean in the scheme of things? That I, we are in control of what energy (good and bad) gets flung out to the Universe, which is pretty empowering when you think about it. But, real talk here… life is hard. It’s a shitshow most of the time, a constant juggling act, a real ass pain.

Then there’s…

the good shit

Here’s the good shit. My family and friends are amazing. My mom is my best friend and you couldn’t dream up a better human being. My dad is crazy intelligent, and doesn’t have much of a filter, which works and sometimes not, but I find beauty and admiration with it. My brother is awesome – he’s kind, giving, smart and would do anything for me (as I would for him). And then there’s my two kick-ass daughters. Simply, they’re just two big bowls of beautiful (and small side of asshole). THEN, there’s the love of my life. He’s one of the sweetest, kindest and one of the most genuine people I know and can drive me pretty crazy at times… just saying. Regardless, I am pretty fucking lucky.

Not to mention my friends, which I’ve had many friendships along my journey. Some friendships are over 15 plus years, some are new and burgeoning and look to be lifetime keepers, others lasted for a blip, but they all contribute/contributed to who I am today… a hot mess! Just kidding (kind of). Seriously, my people are the beautiful scenery that detracts me from er… me!

Anyway, all my relationships have played a valuable role in who I am today. When you find a connection with people, it’s incredible. So, why is it that I have all these amazing relationships in my life, all this amazing love, but for some reason I allow the bullshit to build real estate in my essence at no fucking charge?

let’s break it down

If I were to break it down to just one thing, it would be self-worth, or lack thereof. I have a flair for building a case against myself, and then imprisoning myself with these thoughts – allowing myself to journey to all these seedy, dark places. It’s crazy. I feel crazy. Face it… I AM crazy.

Then… I realize how incredible my life truly is and I get off the hot mess express. Unfortunately, I get back on, and then off, and then on again, etc. So, why the crazy ride? Possibly societal standards? Childhood woes? Traumatic life events? All of the above? Yes! But whatever. I’m willing to put in this good fight to work through this, kill self-sabotage and actually live. Yes, live. What a novel concept.

it starts today

It starts today. Day one of building the heather diaries and telling my jumbled story. I don’t know how this will all unfold. Hell, it might not, but I’m going in and seeing where this takes me. And this website – it’s been sitting here, unattended for over two years now and I’m not sure what I’m doing there either. I do know that I love to write. I want to grow as a writer, as a human, evolve. And when I feel like shit, I just deal and feel that pain, knowing that those harrowing moments are teachable moments, shaping me into a better human.

Here’s the thing… I may disappoint people from time to time. I will fail many more times in my life. And I will do things that are stupid and don’t make any sense. But I keep growing and learning from those “opportunities” because that is what it’s about. Opportunities. Opportunities to grow. Opportunities to just kick it. Opportunities to say “fuck it” when I need to and then dig into the good fight when it’s important.

Truly believing in the infinitude of growth. To breathe in every moment, live day to day, not think too far ahead, not look back and simply be present.

a conclusion (for today)

For today, I’ve said enough to provide some relief, so I’ll say peace out for now. Maybe I’ll go clean or something. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just sit on my ass and watch reruns of Sex and the City and be a complete veg all day. Who knows? I do know that I need to chill out and stop obsessing over all the things not in my control. Just be present. Just be okay.